Holiday Reading


Please consider two manoeuvres which I have developed in my brief clinical training. It is felt that they have significant potential utilities:

1)      Behind the curtain test – The clinician is to observe the patient with minimal disturbance of the system in accordance with Heisenberg’s uncertainty principals. The clinician will approach the patient with minimal sound production via footsteps. The clinician then shall slowly create an opening orifice in the side curtain of the bed, which is only enough such that the patient can be observed in his/her entirety. The clinician shall be in such a standstill position for sufficient amount of time such that any behaviour, which would otherwise not be observed had the patient been aware of the observer’s presence, come to surface. For those technologically advanced, a flexible colonoscopy can be applied for medium to long distance observation, should it be impractical to approach the patient without been detected. For those on call, in infrared night goggle may be helpful. While the specificity and sensitivity of this test have not been elucidated, its theoretical basis is so solid, such that funding should be allocated to explore the usefulness of this procedure.

2)       Apparition manoeuvre (scientifically named Grande Exorcistic Detoxification Mystique & Specifick)  – deliriums patients present significant challenges at night for those clinicians on call. I have hereby developed a manoeuvre intended to examine the sanity of such patients. Given the fact that this procedure is strictly protected by copyright and should only be performed by the most seasoned Physician, I have here provided an alla breve equivalent for the general practitioner: the clinician is to drape his/her whitecoat over the head, not allowing for the recognition of the facial features, and slowly walk into the patient’s room and then exit without pronouncing any utterances. This manoeuvre works on the Chemical principal of alikes repel: if the patient is delirious, this manoeuvre will make them more delirious such that the deliriums cancel each other out. So far, this manoeuvre have proven to be completely useless, but it’s without doubt that with aggressive marketing under the guise of its scientific name, this manoeuvre will nonetheless gain popularity and become the standard of care in quackery.

SIR, I hereby beseech you to consider these two discoveries for dissemination in the clinical setting, for the sole purpose of relieving boredom for those on-call.

2 thoughts on “Holiday Reading

  • I love this piece that you wrote! Tell me: did you actually try these two techniques (especially the second one)? How did they turn out?

  • Thank you Hao, the first technicke is gaining widespread popularity amongst some of my peers after I had considerable success with it. As mentioned in the manuscript, the second technicke has so far proven to be completely useless. Maybe we need to add a musical twist to the 2nd manoeuvre? (Say something from Erlkonig? 🙂

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